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Well! Doing much better :)

Logging onto this blog after an extremely long lack of updates, it's amazing to think how depressing this thing was. It was how I truly felt at the time, but it's still sad to see my horrible outlook on life haha.

I'm a lot happier now!

I'm really glad I went on my mission. It changed my life and my faith skyrocketed. Are the sadness and loneliness still there? Yes, but now I understand why that is, and how to best cope with it. It's a lot more manageable and calm than it used to be. I love being Mormon even though there's so many times when I'm not the best example of one.

Anyway, it's late and I really should be getting to bed. But! I don't know if I will keep updating this particular blog or not, just because it's riddled with spambots and half the people here speak nothing but Russian. Arylett left and I haven't seen any posts from unico in a while, either. I might, because I do like this blog site overall, but I don't know. Maybe if I can find some cool people who speak ENGLISH and figure out how to defend against the spambots. Although it shouldn't matter too much, as it's not like too many (if any) people were actually reading this anyway! :P But yeah. I'll figure it out. Regardless, I'll post a new link to my blog if I do decide to start somewhere else. :) And regardless, this will still get updated at least every once in a blue moon.

Thanks to arylett for her support and friendship (she was the first friend I had on the Cave of Dragonflies!), even though she's not here to read this, and thanks to unico for being an awesome friend too. I owe a lot to you guys! I'll have to contact you through deviantart and personalitycafe and wherever else you are! I really need to start up on my artwork again. I'll get good at it eventually :)

Going back to college in the winter. I'm 21 but I will be a sophomore! I am going to try and double major in English (creative writing focus) and computer science (animation emphasis) and get certified as fluent in Spanish.

We are going on a trip to an amusement park tomorrow, which is super awesome. So I reaaaaally need to get off this computer and to bed, but...It's so much fun D:

Still working on my awesome tulpa and my fantasy world. Still going to church. Still posting way too much online. :D Still doing all the hobbies that I love and trying to get even better at each and every one of them. Can't run right now though 'cause of my injured knee, which is lamesauce.

And that's about it!
I hadn't logged onto here in a while, so I browsed a few journals out of curiosity. I decided the idea of making daily goals that some of you had was a good one.  Maybe it will help me to be more productive.  I don't have to work today, so maybe I can get some fun stuff actually accomplished! :D 

(something tells me this isn't actually going to happen)



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Well then.

You know the "relationship" I mentioned in the last post thingamajig? Well, ha, about that.

I asked her if she minded when I posted "love you" because she never would say it back. She said something along the lines of "A little bit, because you barely even know me! It's okay though!" She then went on to explain about how we were just really, really good friends.

lol wait one moment please.

-____________-  *puts gun to throat* KABOOM! 

...Wait a second. We have been talking for seven months. We have each other's names in our signatures with HEARTS in them, for goodness' sake.  I was NOT expecting this. 


/and this is what I get for spending too much time on the internet and overanalyzing things.

I swear I am living in the most poorly written comedy movie in this entire miserable universe. My life isn't so much that bad as it is freaking stupid.  Someone please shoot me now. I am not even joking. 


On the bright side, mission ain't a problem now.  Therapist says I'm good to go mental health-wise, finally - OCD and depression more or less under control. FUN FUN FUN!!!!@$!@#!!!!!!!!!!

Also, at least we're still really, really good friends. Maybe one day I'll meet her in real life and I can hold her closely to me and make her love me.  I just don't know what the heck I'm going to do anymore.  Just love her still, I guess.  It was a thing called "forum mates" which I thought were supposed to be like real-life love - stupid, stupid, stupid.

Screw reality.  Today I was obsessively researching SLOAN theory again, because for whatever reason I always do that when I'm upset.  And that somehow lead me to someone's DeviantArt page, and someone had randomly posted a link there about tulpas. I'm too tired to write about them in-depth now, but they're essentially imaginary friends that are conscious and sentient.  Supposedly, with sufficient mental effort you can create a companion who thinks and acts for him/herself and is always with you.  I'm going to write more in-depth on this later and start working on it soon, or at least researching it more.  If reality isn't going to give me what I long for, then I'm creating it myself.  I honestly do not care if I am going to die in some mental hospital.  In fact, that'd be rather pleasurable.  I don't think it's going to happen though.  I can keep that sort of thing under control.

Check it out: http://tulpa.info/

I've been really bad at reviewing fanfiction on Serebii, or logging onto any Pokemon forums whatsoever.  I feel bad.  Still wasting time on too many Warriors forums xD And I've been terrible at replying to PersonalityCafe messages.  YAY for irresponsibility and putting things off. 

Also, apparently on here, I am not "mutual friends" with two people who are on my friends list, which is odd considering one of them added ME as a friend first. O.o Guess he read my entries and got scared off. xD Well, this is awkward now. :/

It's 11:30 PM and I'm still chatting and roleplaying like crazy. So hey, at least I'm having fun, right? It's all good. My life (objectively) isn't all that bad; I'm just subjectively experiencing it as such.  Just hanging in here. 

Also, as a side note, this image is the story of my life right now.

blog about it

Please go away. (me being pathetic)

I haven't updated this in a while.  I want to do it more regularly, just to get some writing practice in.  Also, it's good to just vent.  XD

I don't feel eloquent today.  My mind is in complete and utter disarray.  So I apologize if this sounds extremely incoherent. 

At any rate, things have kind of gone downhill after winter semester finished.  Now, I'm at home for break and living with the family again - which is not a good thing.  Normally it would be, but I feel like I'm growing more and more apart from my parents.  I wish they would actually try to understand what I'm feeling but I know that's never going to happen, because they don't care. So I need to start relying on me and me only, because if you try and rely on other people, they're just going to hurt you.  I should just move out of here as quickly as possible, but I'm probably stuck here until I graduate, because I don't have much money right now. 

All my dad ever says is "Why do you spend so much time on the internet?  WHY are you always on your phone, talking with 'a bunch of weirdos online'?!"  He invades my privacy and tries to read EVERYTHING that I'm doing.  

News flash, dad - despite whatever stupid news programs you've watched without even trying to consider their bias, not every single person online is an eighty year old, 400 pound Russian woman who is going to stalk me and find my house.  But I still don't want you to read what I'm doing, because you won't understand.  I believe that, yes, there are actually some honest people left in this world. *GASP NO THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE. BECAUSE FOX NEWS SAID IT LOL IT'S OBVIOUSLY TRUE AND EVERYONE ON THE INTERNET IS SOME "WEIRDO" (I hate that term now) WHO IS GOING TO STALK YOU.*  Can't I trust people?!  

"Can you even live without your phone?"  He said that today.  Not, "Oh, hey, Alex!  Good morning!  How are you doing?"  Nah, of course not.  Just criticism.  He seems to enjoy finding a million reasons as to why precisely I suck.  Never mind that I have ADD and I have issues with hyperfocusing so it is very, very difficult to shift my attention, but of course, ADD is just a fake disorder made up by the pharmaceutical companies in order to make money. Just like all mental illness, apparently.  I have a professional diagnosis, but obviously they don't know what they're talking about.  Never mind that he doesn't know the first thing about abnormal psych, or even psych in general. 

Never mind that it is very painful for me.  because apparently, my feelings don't matter to you.  I hate myself; I hate how no one ever cares; I hate everything in this stupid world.  

I can communicate with people online without worry because it feels right to me.  People don't understand intuition.  I know if someone's lying or not.  I know if they are who they say they are.  But according to my parents, online relationships are just a "fake imitation" of friendships apparently "caused by the devil" in order to "replace real-life friendships." 

Which makes absolutely no sense to me.  What do friends do?  They talk, do things together, and have fun together.  Whatever medium this occurs through is entirely irrelevant to me.  

I think that they're a gift God has given us to help lonely people who are very, very far away from each other. 

The worst problem, though...

I've fallen in love with someone.  Online on a forum based off one of my favorite book series.  Yes it sounds stupid, but I don't care. I can't stop thinking about her.  How much I care about her.  I immediately knew something was different about her when she posted her intro thread..."Please be my friends!  I am very lonely!"  I actually almost broke down crying in front of my computer when I read that.  Nobody should ever have to feel that way.  It's cruel and it's not fair.  So I became her friend. And, eventually...we fell in love. Yes, I found love and I am not going to let it go away.  I pray for her every single moment of the day.  I want her to be happy, the poor thing!  I don't want her to be sad or lonely!

Which would be wonderful except - she can only go online at a certain time, so I need to be on at that time, because I hate every moment that I can't be with her.  So I get criticized for being online too much.  I need to get enough money to pay my OWN phone bills, because if not my dad might take all that away from me, and then I wouldn't have much reason to keep living. 

My parents would kill me if they found out, but I KNOW this is real, because I can feel it in my heart.  Of course, they won't understand or care, because they never do.  

I try to be a good person, but it's not good enough for them.  I don't look at porn because it's not romantic; it goes against the very core of me and it completely disgusts me.  Yet if I say "please don't look at what I'm doing" they're automatically suspicious, even though they KNOW I would never, ever do anything like that.  

But I have to guard it, because they won't understand that I'm in love.  So I want to scream, PLEASE GO AWAY if you're not going to understand. 

they're also expecting me to go on a "mission" because I'm mormon and that pretty much means I have to leave the internet for two whole years.  which would be fine, except for that...I do not want to leave her.  I would rather be killed.  I care about her so much.  I am only allowed to write letters to friends - yes, SNAIL MAIL - or email FAMILY.  I can't go online AT ALL, and I can't even email someone I love or else I'm kicked out (they'll report me) and if I'm kicked out of my mission I'm never going to be able to set foot in church again without everyone looking down on me.  I can't write her letters because her parents won't let her give out personal info online, which I completely understand.  But I need her.  And I think she needs me.  How can I tell her?  I'm not allowed to mention religion on that forum.  I've always said that love takes priority over EVERYTHING.  EVERYTHING.  But I don't know what I'm going to do now.  Also my dad's trying to get me a night job, but I CANNOT do that because night is when I can talk to her.  I just keep praying, God, please don't take this away from me.  Please. I want to believe in SOMETHING but it's hard to believe in anything anymore.

My world is becoming more vivid; more real to me.  Today instead of sitting in my room, I was in my forest, and the leaves were falling towards the ground in between shafts of sunlight.  A girl who I could love more than anything was sitting right next to me and we were talking and laughing and watching the butterflies flit in between the trees.  

Maybe...If nobody here loves me, then I'll go live in my own world instead.  

My depressing personality...

...So I've recently acquired a new obsession with psychology, or to be more specific two aspects of such: abnormal psych, and personality theory.  I don't feel like delving into my weird obsession with various mental illnesses right now, though.  XD  So...personality types!  :D 

One interesting, less-known theory (as opposed to MBTI and Enneagram) is the Big Five personality system.  Arguably it has more potential than the MBTI to accurately describe the enormous multifaceted spectrum that is personality, but I'll cover that in a bit.  

Here is the test: http://similarminds.com/big5.html

Read more about the theory! Collapse )

The concept of a 24-hour day

...is stupid.  

That's not nearly enough time to do all of the awesome things that I want to do.  Of course, it doesn't help that I tend to waste the vast majority of my time.  

For example, today I had such a hard time concentrating on homework that I didn't get to RP, read fanfiction, respond to PMs (although I suppose I did do a few VMs!), practice clarinet, practice piano, do any strength training, or work on my stories.

did write like twenty haikus for creative writing though.  I like poetry so this is a rather good thing.  Here's one.  And just to be sure, this is MY wondrously amazing poetry, so don't even think about thinking about stealing it.  If the thought so much as crosses your mind, I will release my undead army of naked mole rats and their ghostly powers will wreak endless vengeance on your pitiful, blithering excuse for a soul.  Hehe.  

Check it out. ^^Collapse )
I'm rather proud of my user pic.  I found it via some random Google Image search.  Oh thou wondrous Google Images, how would I survive in this miserable world without thee?  :P  

Today was the absolute worst day of my life (I say that every day).  I ran 8.12 miles, did some strength training, suffered through homework, RPed for a bit, and read some fanfiction.  

I hope I have an awesome lucid dream tonight.  

Off to bed.  :)